Live and Let Live

                                                                         It seems crazy to think that this time last year I was just starting a new job so I could go to school, everything was so bright and sunny and now it's a year later and I have completely ruined everything. I often ask myself what am I doing, do I really know, and where did I go wrong. I'm not trying to make this a self loathing, existential crisis thing but I do need to step back and ask myself what am I trying to achieve. Am I doing everything just because I don't want to be like my parents, maybe it's that I want some people in my life and will do almost anything to have them there or am I doing it because it makes me happy? It's probably the first two because now I feel stuck and I have no clue which way is up.

    I have made the wrong decisions every step of the way from junior year to now. I've pushed myself before I was ready every time I had to make a big decision, like if I push myself extra hard that I will be superwoman and concur any problem. Don't get me wrong I don't think that I am impervious to life's cons and outcomes I guess I was just naïve in thinking that I could control every outcome because I pushed for it. At any time I could turn my life around but at this point I just feel like I'm just in it too deep. In order for me to get back on track I had to admit my mistakes and take responsibility for my actions.

                  When I first got to Harrisonburg I knew that It wasn't the place I should be, It is one of those places where you either know or you don't and going there was my first big mistake. Ever since I can remember there has only been five school on my list and James Madison wasn't one of them. I still have/had a semester to go before I started there but I still moved there in the August everything was good and fine. I had good roommates all in different areas of study, nice ladies, hardworking. I had good laughs and great times and almost felt like it was home but at some point in the middle of the semester I asked myself what am I doing here and I finally realized I don't want to be here. I wasn't going to just leave I was going to stick it out until the end of the year and see if I feel the same then but then I had a health scare and came home for what I meant to be a weekend that has turned into a month and a half and now I'm going to be evicted and I need to go up there and get my belongings. I am facing legal trouble albeit not extremely serious but it if eviction goes on my record I will have trouble renting in the future no matter how far away from this situation I get I will be still be dealing with the consequences of not listening to my gut.

              I keep putting myself in the self annihilating situations (epic problems, need epic words) I can't seem to get over this stage where I just keep putting myself in these ridiculous situations without rhyme or reason. If I were being smart about everything I would have said no and ran straight out of Harrisonburg. I know where I should be, where I want to be so why can't I just get there and let myself be happy, I mean really happy although I've gotten so good at it that I trick myself (that felt very whiny, makes me want to cringe but it's the only way I could think to say it). So all in all while I had good times in Harrisonburg but It isn't were I should be. With that being said I am undoubtedly in love with Charlottesville and UVA. I've known this for a long time for about 6 years now and still chose JMU, I didn't really choose I more or less picked a name out of a bag and thought that it was a sound idea. I sometimes think that I put myself  in these predicaments on purpose actually I know I do. I love the almost everything about being in Charlottesville, the first time I arrived(I say arrived because my feelings changed) I didn't really like it, there is an elitist air about the city that I really didn't like but after a while I saw that I was just judging to be judgy(what I should have done with JMU). You are probably thinking "Why didn't she just go to UVA?" I don't know and I should but I don't and I guess that is that is the root of my problems. I know what will make me happy but I just won't take the right steps to get there. It's just time for me to take life by the balls and stop hiding behind choices that I know are mistakes.